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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Charles Band Presents: Killer Eye Halloween Haunt

80 Minutes
Director: Charles Band
Release Date 2011
Cutesy Jenna invites a few hottie friends over to help her decorate the old mansion for new Halloween Haunt. The plan is to get totally wasted and set up some props but she neglects to invite Miss don't wanna get her hands dirty Giselle. I really like looking at films that deal with real or fake haunted attractions.
I just love seeing all of the cool and creative things people corporate into their haunt. I guess it's nostalgia for me, it's the things that make up nightmares that make me smile. So Jenna scares the crap out of Rocky a few times and they all, bitchy Catalina included watch a flick called the Killer Eye.
To get into the fun of things, they sit a replica of the killer eye next to them so it can watch too. Between her mother's voyeur crystal ball and the eye these girls don't stand a chance...or do they? This killer eye makes them turn into total sluts that want to have sex with each other.
Babes are dropping and goo is everywhere from that horny eyeball. Lucky for them Giselle snuck in the window to crash their party and ends up being a huge difference in the outcome of their situation. It's totally a goofy, trashy, B type flick with T&A for all, I'm glad I was able to review it for Full Moon Features.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hates Haunted Slay Ride

Release Date 2010
1 Hour and 56 Minutes
Director: Warren F. Disbrow

Silent Night, Holy Night where nothing is calm but all is bright with dripping blood. Hate is back in Warren F. Disbrow's new film Hate's  Haunted Slay ride and he is as sarcastic as ever! Last time our boy created the largest mass murder spree in the world where paramedics and cops just couldn't get enough body bags.

Wondering whats in store for us this time? Well I'll give you some of the cookies but none of the milk. Other words I mean I won't give away everything because I hate reading reviews that do. Who the hell wants to watch a movie where you know every little thing that's going to happen?
The surviving victims are in the hospital heavily sedated and guarded from any oncoming attacks from Hate. Do you think that Hate can find his way in there? I wouldn't doubt this crazy creepers ability to get what he wants... trust me he'll find a way! All I can say is you need to grab yourself a copy....pricks.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Afflicted

The Afflicted
85 minutes
Director Jason Stoddard

The Afflicted is a film that will stay with you long after you have finished watching and turn the TV off- you will cringe at the way this mother abuses her children,  it made my stomach hurt. It says it's based on a true story but who knows we all know what happened with The Blair Witch story.

Leslie Easterbrook gives a shockingly real performance of a truly demented and delusional woman named Maggie who slowly loses her wits. With each passing day her peculiar and torturous behavior worsens. Her husband Hank (Kane Hodder) cant take it anymore and tries to leave and winds up in a freezer out in the shed.

The children think their father abandoned them and just up and left one horrible day. For some reason Cathy gets the brunt of the abuse it's heartbreaking to see what she does to her. Maggie just cant seem to slip out of her angered head for even a single moment and you can't help wonder if any of these children will survive her wrath!

Her facade only can last for so long right? Will Maggie get her just deserts or will she prevail and succeed in all of her murder sprees? If I was one of those kids I would of killed her while she slept or I would of gathered the strength to sneak off and tell someone. You have to try in these sort of situations, if not you'll wind up dead.....

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Antfarm Dickhole

I think if I actually had a dick this might have been funnier to me! Antfarm Dickhole from Bill Zebub is a total sleezefest with plenty of tits ass and full on nudity. You can't help but laugh at some if it no matter how hard you try not too. Bill Zebub himself cracked me up in certain parts, like when he is talking to a detective thru his door.
Anyway, a guy who suffers from premature ejaculation while masturbating- not during sex only while waxing one, happens to end up with an army of ants in his pants. The ants decide to take residence inside his manhood and when provoked these buggers will fight for their territory and kick some serious ass.

I know guys out there will have a blast with this since you all seem to love puke, farts and hoochie. You might all wanna get together with a keg, some death metal and just rock out with those cocks out! I'm no prude and found some fun in the film but all you boys out there better keep those zippers tight or you'll be infested by ants by night!

Friday, November 4, 2011

The Los Angeles Ripper

Release Date:
78 Minutes
Directed by: Craig J. McIntyre
A petite timid girl named Kristy White has traveled by train to Los Angeles where she will stay with some seriously dysfunctional family members. Her Cousin Angel was late to pick her up and then when they get to the house her Aunt Peggy makes it clear that she is to help out around there- meaning she has to do it all!
Angel takes Kristy out to party where they bump into the cute Shannon who dances around the place like she owns it. As fucked up fate would have it, they bump into the drugged out freak show Graham who has a horrifying past time of picking up chicks and murdering them while eating some bits of them here and there.
Graham takes a liking to Kristy and in his delusional mind all of the advances from him she has already spurned makes him think she whats him bad...go figure! He starts popping up at places where she is and Kristy gets an inkling of how neurotic he really is. Maybe she should of checked over her shoulder a little bit more often- now he has her.
When he getss her to his place, poor Shannon is there and already half beaten and tied to a chair. His friend and fellow sick fuck maniac was more creepy to me than Graham himself. Can Kristy somehow take over this no win situation and live to tell the tale? Or will she become a lifeless mess?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Mutilation Man

Release Date: December 6, 2011
93 minutes
Directed by: Derek Cole, Shane Cole

Scream and run as fast as you can but there's no way in he'll you'll survive the mutilation man. Directors Derek Cole and Shane Cole put their heads together to create a nice bloody and torturous horror flick titled The Mutilation Man that will rock your socks off .

Roy and his girlfriend Jessica are celebrating their relationship by staying in for a romantic evening together. They sip wine while cozying up and then hit the bedroom to seal the night with some lovin. Jessica gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom. When she comes out she walks straight into a nightmare situation.

The police are desperately scouring the area for someone but they don't know who the hell it is. Could it be that maniac of a man named Malcolm Hayes who is a serious threat to anyone he comes in contact with. The problem with that scenario is that Malcolm died over 10 years ago in a car crash....or did he some how live?

Tied to chairs Roy and Jessica try to figure ways to escape but every time that alarm clock goes off the masked mutilation man come in and tortures each one shamelessly. I don't think the man has a caring bone in his body. If you put yourself in their position- where you are watching your partner be beaten and worse. Will the cops figure it out and save the day? Or will their fate be a slow horrible death?

George: A Zombie Intervention

Release Date- 10/4/11
93 minutes
Directed by- JT Seaton's

In JT Seaton's George: A Zombie Intervention, poor George has got a problem- you see he is unfortunately a zombie now and his friends are sick and tired of him eating people. They all get together and decide to hire a zombie interventionist to help them out with George's eating habits before everyone he knows is turned into a zombie.

As the interventionist really tries to get into George's brain, he spaces out and all of her helpful words become him hearing her saying "eat me" and "I'm succulent." He can't take it so he flees from the room only to return moments later with his trusty hammer and finally gets a taste of that yummy skin.

His ex Sara and her current love Tom are there to help with some moral support. Suddenly he's tied to the bed with one of his legs eaten off. Then George has his own fierce protector Francine who will stop at nothing to keep him safe. Wouldn't everyone out there love to have someone like that by their side?

So as visitors and annoying Mormon's come to the door, they all wind up in between George's lips. Different body parts end up on a plate and you can't help but chuckle. I know a lot of zombie lovers reading this will get a hell of a kick out of this new Horror comedy that was released on October 4Th.