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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Accused at 17

Accused at 17
Release date: August 2, 2011

We all know how women can be catty as hell but teen girls are just plain mean and cruel. Back stabbing, instigating, while some are just rotten to their hardened core. Accused at 17 showcases all of these attributes plus some down right nastiness that will having you want to grab a hold of a few of those girls and smack them upside the head.

Bianca is dating school hottie Chad and their relationship seems just peachy until he goes to a party without her. Chad is in the bathroom and little trampy Dory sidles in and offers herself up and he greedily takes it. The next day word is all over and Bianca is heart broken and disgusted.

While lounging pool side over at Fallon's, the girls decide they want to teach Dory a lesson. Fallon and Sara pick up Dory saying their going to this killer frat party then they really meet up with Bianca at a deserted dirt road. They call her names, but Dory could care less and punches Bianca in the face.

After a slight scuffle Bianca leaves for home since Fallon and Sara say they will leave Dory to walk all the way home. An unfortunate incident occurs leaving Dory lifeless and when her body is discovered Bianca is the suspect for her murder. Will Fallon and Sara ever come clean? Or will Bianca rot away in prison for a crime she didn't commit?

Friday, July 29, 2011

Ceaser and Otto's Summercamp Massacre

Ceaser and Otto's Summercamp Massacre
Release Date: October 4, 2011
Directed by: David Campfield

Ceaser and Otto's Summercamp Massacre has to be one of the best side splitting comedy/horror films out there at the moment. I nearly pee'd my pants and seriously think that David Campfield should try his hand at stand up...the guy is a natural. Just think he could be the next Tosh.O!
Ceaser gets himself into a little bit of trouble and decides him and Otto need to skip town and then they become camp counselors at Camp Sun Smile. After being briefed by their douch bag camp director Jerry, they sent up in tents. Hard ass Carrie shows up (Felissa Rose) and people are dropping like a beat from Eminem's mouth.
I can not stress how fun of a flick this movie really was. Even my girlfriend Donna lee could handle it...well maybe not but she'd laugh her damn ass off. You can't not laugh it's just goofy as hell and forces you to giggle. No, it's not Bernie Mac or Jeff Dunham but the man has some skills.
The counselors are all running scared or dead so do you think the duo manage to stooge their way out of this one? Or will Otto's belly never see a donut again? Could Carrie really be swinging the axe or could it maybe be someone else? You'll never know if Ceaser truns into mince meat if you don't break down and buy it!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Closed for the Season

Release date- August 23rd

90 minutes
Directed by- Jay Woelfel
Not rated

I don't know why I love carnivals and rides so much but I could never get enough of them until I was diagnosed with a heart problem. Now I am not allowed to go on all those crazy thrilling rides with drops and turns....Bastards!  I am also very attracted to old run down asylums but that's another story to tell some other time.

Closed for the Season was filmed in Ohio's old abandoned Chippewa Lake park. The park is a haunted site with many incidents dating back to 1870. The main point I have is that director Jay Woelfel is a freakin genius with the plot he came up with- sure there are many movies that have someone trapped somewhere but not done like this

Aimee wakes up trapped within the park and seems to be living the places memories. She needs to find a way to escape it's evil clutches, but is that even possible when no matter how she tries to get out there is always a catch. There has to be a way out somehow, right? The Carnie torments and antagonizes her every step of the way.

She knocks on a door for help and a guy answers and tries to help her figure out the game this twisted clown is playing with her. I adored this film and know I will be blabbing my mouth to anyone who will listen to me telling them the have to buy and check out Closed for the Season! I know I will be watching it again and again....

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Asylum Seekers

Directed by: Rania Ajami
Release date: 8/23/2011 90 Minutes

Who would think that crazy would become the new sane- but you'll see a fine example of this in  Rania Ajami's Asylum Seekers. I sat on the couch completely transfixed with awe at it's Willy Wonk on angel dust type of feel. It's rare that something special and unique comes past a reviewers nose but this film was just fucking awesome!

Now the well dressed Dr. Raby seems to be some sort of tourettes freak who just bursts out with the craziest sounds and statements, while Maude is a housewife admitted by her husband. Miranda loves and thinks people are always staring at her so she always is putting on a show just in case and teenager Alice is a cyber nut who craves knowledge and technology.

Alan is an androgenis rapper and Paul is a war freak and wants to take over everything including the asylum. All of the characters above are competing to get the very last bed in the place. Now for nurse Milly in her staunch white uniform and two companions Minnie and Micky I really wish they had bigger parts but trust me they're around enough to make an impact.

I can bet my ass that this movie will become a huge cult classic- what's not to love? There is plenty of weird, odd, kooky, and clever things that will reel you in like a fat bass on some sad fisher mans hook! I really recommend Asylum Seekers for everyone who is into the strange and different, this film is the cherry on top of a three ring freak show.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Exit 33

83 Minutes
Release date: 8/2/2011


I was disappointed with this film- I don't know if it was from all of the hype and I expected too much, or just from the plain fact that is a tired old storyline. Five friends are all hyped up about heading too their five year class reunion and to cut time out of their trip they will take Exit 33. Eva and her man Dax leave before Angie while their pothead rocker chick friend will meet them there.

Angie throws a fit when Matt tells her he isn't going so she takes off without him. Ike’s Last Chance Gas is right off of Exit 33 and most people try and hit it up so they don't run out and end up stranded somewhere. Ike is very tall and very intimidating but people love his homemade beef jerky. Hmmm, wonder what it's made of?

The whole flick is him torturing his victims and grabbing out their eyes for his collection. Through out the movie Ike has flashbacks that make you see why he wants and loves those eyes. It's pretty predictable but Kane Hodder pulls off his role well with his lurking bulk of a figure and stony stoic expression.

If you want the same old southern style off horror grits you'll ride this one out smoothly, if not your going to get a little antsy at times when it seems just a little bit drawn out. So since Matt left after all of his friends do you think he'll be able to save any of them? Or will he just become another wad of meat in the jerky?

Friday, July 15, 2011

Ninjas VS. Vampires

release date: 5/3/ 2011
89 minutes

First off... I wanted to slit my wrists when this came to me for a review, I would rather gouge my eyes out and then use it as a Frisbee. Now see, that's where a lot of us are prejudice and wrong- sometimes when we judge the film by it's cover or even the storyline we end up very wrong...Ninjas vs. Vampires fell perfectly in the category for me- it rocked!

It starts with a nerdy guy named Aaron video taping his close friend Alex then he tells her he wants more than just a friendship. Before she can finish crushing his heart with that devastating no, Vampires come out of nowhere and start to make a meal out of Aaron- well until the crafty Ninjas show up and save the day...for now!

Alex wakes up at home devastated at what she remembers then guess who knocks at the door? Yup Aaron. After being thoroughly freaked and the whole situation is explained they are off trying to figure it all out piece by piece magic included. The budget for this was low and the effects are kinda hokey but it held my attention and drawled me in with the story.

It has some fun dialog and the classic battle of good vs. evil. So the cold hearted vampire overlord Seth plots to annihilate mankind and it's up to Aaron to save his one true love Alex who is being held captive as bait. Can these ninjas change him into a fighting machine or is Alex bound to be doomed forever?

Friday, July 1, 2011

Shatter Kinder A Smut Saga Volume 3 ADULTS ONLY

Author: Gori Suture
ISBN: 1451592086
Publisher: Inside Henry's Head

At first I was a little put off by all the notes at the bottom to explain certain terms or situations but it only lasts a few chapters and it's totally necessary for the reader to really get a glimpse into this magnificent world Gori Suture has created. Most authors create stories with people and their fucked up situations but Shatter Kinder are these furry hoofed beings with a whole mind blowing world for your eager mind to explore. I can almost guarantee that most of you have never feasted your eyes on such a crazy and utterly unique storyline. 
Mordecio and Astothan are twin shatter kinder who are destined to be the angel of death to those who are ready to go. There are rules at Paradox and Mordecio has a hell of a time following them since he actually has feelings and disagrees with the way things are dealt with. Many hardships and emotional set backs have ruined him and he doesn't want to be a reaper of death. They run off and try to live life on their own while trying to heal the Queens sickly daughter.
Their many escapades there will keep you interested and have you saying to yourself "Where the hell does she come up with this?" A totally amazing read! If your not into very kinky/ odd sex or maybe you are a total prude, well this book is not for you- Miss Suture is very descriptive will have your dainty asses passed out on the floor!